Forever Autumn
by SamJNick
Summary: Jill deals with a moment of grief.


Forever Autumn 

by Sam

***

_The summer sun is fading as the years grow old_  
_And darker days are drawing near_  
_The winter winds will be much colder_  
_Now you're not here_  


Random gusts of biting chill tossed the young girl's hair wildly as she stood over the pile of leaves. There was barely a sign of any disturbance, even though the wind had begun to blow harder by the minute. The old rake still lay across the mound, waiting for her to finish the tedious chore her mother had given her. She stared at it intently trying to remember how many days had gone by since she started. How many days since…

Four.

She didn't understand how they could still be there. The wind pushed at them relentlessly in an attempt to lure them away, occasionally succeeding as one or two would spiral upward in a frantic dance. But, they would always fall back to earth. The joyous moment of flight was only an illusion. They couldn't really dance anymore...because they were dead.

Just like her mother.

Jill reached down for the wooden handle as her eyes filled with tears. She hadn't cried yet. She was afraid to. There was something almost comforting in holding in her grief. So long as she didn't mourn, she didn't have to let go. The strength of the emotions she held within her felt as if they would suddenly burst forth like a gusher. But for some reason, keeping it inside gave her a feeling of control. It seemed like the only thing she could control, and so she held onto it with all her might.

_I watch the birds fly south across the autumn sky_  
_And one by one they disappear_  
_I wish that I was flying with them_  
_Now you're not here_

A sound caught her attention as she turned her sad gaze up to the treetops. A flock of birds streaked overhead in a perfect 'V' formation. She followed them briefly, wondering where they were heading. Somewhere warmer, probably, although Jill found it difficult to believe that such a place even existed anymore.

She began to pull the rake across the grass, gathering the stray leaves and bringing them back to the heap at her feet. Her slender arms made long even sweeps across the ground, leaving the blades lying on their side, as if pointing to the source of their defeat.

After several passes, she placed one end of the rake on the ground and rested her palm on the rounded wooden tip. No matter how many times she swept them up, there were always a few that strayed. They didn't get far, but they stubbornly refused to stay with the pile.

_Like the sun through the trees you came to love me_  
_Like a leaf on a breeze you blew away_  


Jill found herself focusing on one leaf. She dragged the flattened metal fingers over it repeatedly, in an attempt to skewer it, but it stayed in the same spot. A mild feeling of irritation crept up on her as she continued to move the rake over it, but still the leaf remained on the ground.

Her frustration mounted as she slammed the tool into the dirt and reached down to grab the tiny leaf with her hand. As her fingers brushed it, a strong gust of wind snatched it up, flipping it through the air and away from Jill's outstretched fingers.

As she watched it spiral upward, a feeling of anxiety gripped her. Without realizing what she was doing, she began to walk after it, her hand continuing to swipe at the small piece of foliage. It seemed so important to catch it. It felt as though she needed it, somehow.

Unfortunately, the wind had other ideas. Before long, the leaf floated over the back fence and out of her reach. Jill grabbed the top of the stockade panel and brought her sneaker up, fully prepared to chase after it. She hoisted herself up to the top of the fence and stopped as a sudden squall blew against her, stinging her eyes. She squinted against the force of it.

There were leaves floating everywhere.

A soft sound escaped from Jill's lips and she violently clamped a hand over her mouth. The roaring in her ears blotted everything out as she fought to hold in her tears. She dropped back to the ground and sat in the grass as she brought her other hand up, desperately wanting to keep it all in, but it was too much.

_Through autumn's golden gown we used to kick our way_  
_You always loved this time of year_  
_Those fallen leaves lie undisturbed now_  
_'Cause you're not here_  
_'Cause you're not here_  
_'Cause you're not here_

Jill wasn't sure how long she sat there, or even what time it was. The sun had disappeared behind a collection of darkened clouds as the wind's onslaught began in earnest. She felt a chill as she stood up and pulled her jacket around her, tightly.

Her tired, reddened eyes wandered back to the pile of leaves. They were still there. Even with the impending storm they wouldn't move. It was as if they were mocking her.

Wearily, she walked toward them, once again picking up the rake as she approached. She pulled a barrel away from the back of the garage and brought it over to stand next to the heap. She wiped away the moisture on her face before reaching down to gather some of the leaves in her arms.

_A gentle rain falls softly on my weary eyes_  
_As if to hide a lonely tear_  
_My life will be forever autumn_  
_'Cause you're not here_  
_'Cause you're not here_  
_'Cause you're not here_

Jill felt the first drops of cold rain begin to fall and lifted her face up to the sky, allowing it to sting her flushed cheeks. A small sigh escaped her as she tossed the rake back onto the pile. She turned away, abandoning them once again, and headed toward the house.

As her hand came to rest on the doorknob she paused, casting a wistful glance over her shoulder.

"Don't worry, Mom," she whispered softly. "Autumn can't last forever."

***

Author's notes:

I got the idea for this while listening to the song "Forever Autumn" by the wonderful and amazing Moody Blues. I've been working on another fic for quite some time (to those of you who've read it, I am definitely planning on finishing it, but I've had a tremendous case of writer's block. The outlines for the remaining chapters are done, but I want to do justice to the ending, so please have a little patience. 

The "other fic" of course mentions the death of Jill's mother when she was very young, so I wanted to explore a moment or two of that. It probably won't be the first time I visit the subject (I'm interested in her father's point of view, as well), but I don't think I will be so focused on the more depressing aspects of grief and death.

Please ignore the minor grammatical errors. My beta reader was out of town and I'm too damn lazy to worry about such things!

As always, comments and criticisms are welcome (but, please be gentle).

Thanks for reading! 


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